What God Has joined together, Sermon 6 of 10
How To Regain Godly Premarital Relationships in a World that Teaches Us that it is Normal to do Everything in the Opposite Way (part b)
(Children's Sheet for Sermon Interaction is at bottom. Notes for young children to answer are throughout sermon)
We are continuing with the sermon series called, "What God Has Joined Together." In previous sermons I have been laying out foundational revelations concerning God's design for what He Has Joined, and is joining, in respect to Christian marriage. The same goes for premarital fellowship. In the last sermon, I touched upon principles of how to regain godly premarital relationships in a world that teaches us that it is normal to do everything in the opposite way. We examined Christian fellowship as God's will for Christian relationships. 2 Timothy 2:22 is our working pattern for premarital relationships. It replaces dating philosophies that come from the lost world culture. We examined what it means to be lascivious. It is any intentional involvement in sexual stimulation, manifested in purposefully exciting the senses of someone erotically. We covered committed love. We talked about how it differs from passion and the instability of emotions. These are fundamental things we need to be aware of for Christian singles to fellowship with one another. As I continue laying more foundation, I ask you to prepare your heart to learn from this sermon,
What God Has joined together, Sermon 6 of 10
How To Regain Godly Premarital Relationships in a World that Teaches Us that it is Normal to do Everything in the Opposite Way (part b)
[prayer]
There is a term I have been using in this series. I have mention "me-centeredness." I want us to consider how me-centeredness permeates the lives of people in the lost world culture. It is so prevalent that it even infects the body of Christ. Me-centeredness seeks to edify self. Me-centeredness is essentially another term for selfishness. It is where your overriding motivation is to get what you desire to get in life. The motivation is overriding because what you want takes precedence over everything else, including the true value, needs, and well being, of others. Now, when we think about this, it seems like others-centeredness can seem like the remedy; but this can tend toward exalting the other person in a kind of glory that is wrong. Exalting others to a point where we are controlled by them because we are operating in a kind of worshipful respect, is not How God wants us to seek to edify our brothers and sisters in Christ. To go that route means you get manipulated by the other person. Both these extreme forms of centeredness, or we could call it, centering, can occur in the relationship with males and females. Think about how, in me-centered fellowship, the temporal traps that John pointed out in 1 John 2:16-17, are so prominent. They are the big three that John describes as all that is in the world; lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. They are all human-centered obstacles that stifle our manifestations of the sweet, nutrient rich, fruits of the Spirit out of ourselves for all to taste and be built-up with. All those attributes are temporary problem issues of the lost world culture. They are the bad seeds of sin. They sprout up and get in the way like weeds. They cause us to stumble over self, and yet they will fade away some day. What is the remedy? The remedy is to be seeking to do all for God's glory. This means to seek to do everything with Him and His will in mind concerning what we are doing. But in the meantime, society is enmeshed in all the things of the world. It craves all the me-centered obstacles; lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the boastful pride of life. The Lost world culture loves self edification. It focuses on the temporal--on the immediate. So, what happens is that it looms there every day as it teaches us Christians to ignore, or be confused, about that which is the most important. It wants you to diminish, or ignore, the eternal things. In other words, the lost world culture wants you to be consumed with anything that has temporal glory, though it is faded glory that is dissolving away. It wants you to minimize, ignore, or reject, the importance of doing all things for God's glory which will never pass away. So what happens? The world distorts, and reverses, everything in respect to the spiritual as the eternal and primary importance. It tries to move you away from the importance of renewing your thoughts, your volition, and your emotions, for God's glory. It twists us away from understanding that physical appetites should really be governed by God's will. Instead, the lost world culture puts the physical things first in terms of importance and focus. At the same time, the minds of the lost are governed by bondage to sin. Their thinking is distorted. The world is also spiritually dead, so the spiritual aspects are corrupted too. By necessity, the truly spiritual things take the back seat unless God does a miracle in the heart. Think about how the world idolizes the Physical. The body is held up as the main priority. You find that this is constantly hammered into us as the most important thing. This is why everything is about feeling good. Everything is about sexuality. This temporal focus substitutes lust for love. Physical gratification is substituted for ministry. Lascivious expression replaces righteous living. Consider the huge preoccupation on how you look. There is an overemphasis upon how others look. With this kind of focus, what gets ignored is the fact that all Christians are the only beautiful people to God, and only because we bear the image of Christ inside us. When we focus on the facade of the physical, it is difficult to remember that all non-Christians are grotesquely ugly because of their deadness in sin. But this focus is what the world does. Thoughts that are in bondage to what lost minds claim should be important are the continuous buzz of the lost world culture. What humans think is right is what rules. How humans feel is what dictates actions. Passion is a strong, controlling, dominating force. Consequently, the world's fellowship is marked by pride, confusion, depression, doubt, sensuality, guilt, competition, and emotional bondage. It is marked by contingencies. What do I mean by contingencies? Once something goes against any of the me-centered aspects of worldly fellowship, then the relationship is dissolved. The other person doesn't exist anymore. Or worse, they are now the enemy. So what happens? The ignoring head is turned somewhere else--it's turned to another replacement goal to exalt self in the daily rhythm of me, myself, and I. And ultimately, society without Christ does not rightly consider the consequences in the true spiritual realm. The point is that the lost world culture is always working to try and shift our focus to reflect their focus. The result is that it distorts our spiritual wisdom. We see it in conversations with people out in the work force. It is preached at us from government schools, and so-called Academic Centers of Higher Learning. It is the foundation of the movie plots of the lost world culture. It is the substance of the novels, stories, and legends. It is the theme of all their ballads, and song sermonettes that are sung with gusto and are downloaded in a torrent by multitudes who plug them into their ears every day. I want us to keep this in mind as we seek to regain godly premarital relationships in a world that teaches us that it is normal to do everything in the opposite way.
/1/
The first principle I want to cover is that though you may have been influenced by the propaganda from the lost world culture, and though you may have had failures in the arena of premarital relationships, God loves you, God forgives you, and it is not too late to change. What I mean is that it is not too late to change even if you think you have completely wrecked your life. This is the principle. You may be someone who is thinking that the relationship you are having with the special one you love is displeasing to God. You may recognize that you are immersed in what the world is teaching Christians is normal to do, though it is the opposite of God's way. Maybe this was your pattern with previous relationships. You might be thinking that there is no hope for change in your current circumstance. Maybe you have given up on achieving godly relationships in the future. Maybe you know of other Christians that are drowning in this same kind of deception. Maybe you think that there is no hope for those people to change either. But God says there is hope. So, don't give up. It is important that you recognize thoughts of hopelessness as opportunities to draw upon God's constant grace love for you. He never quits healing people. He never quits teaching His children. He is patient with you. He wants you to continue to follow His ways even after being beaten down by the failures of the flesh. So, it is vital that we understand one of the key elements in this overarching principle: When a Christian has a moral failure (or any failure for that matter) God does not want that person to give up. Yes, God wants us to stop. And so, we need to stop. And then what do we do? We continue onward by correcting the error that the Holy Spirit brings to our attention. This is called turning which is also called repenting. Then what do we do? We continue in our Christian walk for the glory of God. But you say,
I never seem to get it right.
I always seem to get into the same spirals of sin and foolishness.
Listen to me; God knows this. He knows this fact about all of us. Every honestly humble Christian admits that we are prone to make mistakes. Yes, all Christians sin. But here is the point that the Spirit wants you to hear: If you make the error again, what God wants next is no mystery. Further it is attainable because He says that it is. What do you do?
You continue seeking the Lord as the error is turned from and corrected.
Remember, God's grace never quits on you. So, in like manner, the principle is that you don't quit the grace journey of obedience either. In drawing upon the indwelling Spirit, we must keep on going with our walk with the Lord to the best we can, and leave perfection, and flawless actions, up to Him. If someone continues having problems and continues stumbling into sin--God has specifically placed people and principles within the body of Christ to help out. You see, this is how Christ centeredness empowers others orientation in authentic body "life of Christ" operation. But, in all I am saying, it is important to recognize that the Holy Spirit does not, and never does, condemn you. The Holy Spirit convicts you. If you are being condemned, then it is because of false teaching in which you are condemning yourself. Conviction is different from condemnation. Conviction is where the Spirit is making you realize that something is wrong. In Holy Spirit led conviction, He prompts you to change through the power of Christ inside you in accordance to the word of God. Condemnation, on the other hand, springs from not appropriating the grace of Christ that you already have. Condemnation occurs when any Christian continues to think of themselves as still under the curse of lostness. It is where you start acting in the bizarre manner of thinking that you are somehow not really a forgiven saint who is sealed in the New Covenant in Christ. It is where you are looking at your sin and failure, and thinking that those things are what you are, and in doing so, you forget that you are really what Christ has done for you, and is doing in you, both now and forever. It is in the place of condemnation that one's mistakes seem almost like unpardonable sins that can never be changed. Bondage to false philosophies, and false teachings, will also condemn you. They will seek to render you useless. But you know you are trusting Christ in His true grace place, when you understand that He will convict you, and Has already empowered you, to go on to change carnal fellowship by shifting your focus to His way rather than the world's way. It is one reason why the Lord has you listening to this teaching right now.
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This leads to the next principle. It is something that God has given to us Christians to help us overcome the snares. It is called Accountability Ability. Whenever you think of accountability ability, do not think of it as a burden that God has for you to steal away your freedom. Instead, think of it as a type of gift that insures that you act godly in respect to your true freedom that you have in Christ. Accountability to other Christians, particularly those who are recognized as authorities, is not something that the lost world culture teaches as a vital ingredient for relationships; so you may have never thought of making your relationships accountable to anyone but yourself. As we consider this, I want us to think about people who actually believe that they are making their relationship accountable, and yet there is a problem. Something is off kilter about their approach. Consider a girl who thinks her relationship is accountable because she has talked to the guy she is considering for marriage, and now they both think there is accountability. They think they are accountable to one another and that is enough. Likewise, this goes for a guy thinking he is being accountable to the girl that he is pursuing for marriage in courtship. This is not true accountability in respect to the relationship. Both people are setting the relationship up for failure.
Why?
Because they are "the relationship."
What they need is God given accountability from outside their relationship. When they make their relationship accountable to someone else, then they are seeking others to be stewards over their relationship. It should be an objective spiritual authority that becomes part of God's governing process that enables godliness in true freedom. The point is that lack of accountability leaves us open to personal liberties that God never intended for us to have. It is the kind of liberty that can easily lead you to sin. We see this principle all over God's word. This is why the Spirit indicates that the spirits of prophets are subject to other prophets in 1 Corinthians 14:32. Elders are set among the believers as overseers who shepherd the flock 1 Peter. 5:2, Acts 20:17-28, 1 Timothy 3:1 etc. The Lord indicates that governing authorities of many types are given to us to hold us accountable, Romans 13 and 1 Peter 2:13. Generally all Christians are exhorted to submit to one another, Ephesians 5:21. God says that Christian Parents are the primary spiritual authorities that should be honored, Ephesians 6:2–3. In 2 Timothy 3:2 we find that people will be disobedient to parents in the time that Paul describes as the "last days." This passage gives us a clear example of the problem of dishonoring parental authority. When we think about these things, we recognize that when we shun accountability in our lives, we are acting like we know better than God does. We demonstrate this attitude by not making ourselves, our beliefs, and our actions, accountable to others. But even though this scriptural mandate is clear, there is something in people that will still rebel against it while seeking to justify what they are doing. Serious self-deceit enters in when a Christian makes religious sounding claims such as,
"God is my only elder."
"Christ is my only Shepherd."
or,
"I don't need anybody to teach me. I have the Holy Spirit."
"I am accountable to God and God alone."
All of these statements are based upon faulty interpretations of a couple of verses wrongly exegeted, which means, of course, that they are grounded in ignorance while also rejecting the full counsel of God, Acts 20:27. Mavericks for Messiah use these excuses to sound pious, but they are actually the doctrines of rebels who are in opposition to the very God they say they are accountable to. The point is that being a lone ranger for the Lord in your relationship with someone of the opposite sex can quickly bring you into self-deception, and compromise. The deeper you enter into this trap, the harder it becomes for you to listen to the instructions of the Lord given through accountability to the members of the body he has placed around you. An example of this is found in the story of Kirby and Jaimey. I met Kirby and Jaimey at a discipleship training school designed for equipping youth for outreach. Both of these young Christians had been taught about Biblical submission at the school. They signed papers beforehand stating that they would abide by the rules of the organization. A romantic relationship developed between the two of them. Eventually they became involved in lascivious activity while at the school. The leadership in the school instructed them to cease the physical aspect of their relationship. The problem was that they were not being truly accountable. There is lip service accountability, and there is true service accountability. They thought they were being accountable, but they weren't.
Who do you think they thought they had made their relationship accountable to?
To each other.
Now remember, this is not truly making your relationship accountable. What is it? It is separating the relationship, and the checks and balances of it, away from others. They saw accountability to others as a hindrance to their relationship. So, what happened was that they continued anyway. In the midst of the stress of their relationship, Kirby left the school and the country. Jaimey followed him. She abandoned the school against her parents wishes and without notifying the school of her abrupt decision. Later, contact from another state revealed the outcome of damage and regret as Jaimey sorrowfully admitted the error of her decision. What I want us to consider is that prior to enrolling in that school, if someone had suggested to either one of these Christians that they would have ended up in this kind of relationship mess instead of out in the mission field somewhere, they more than likely would have argued that there was no way such a thing could happen. These things don't usually happen because Christians pre-plan them. But it did happen. The point is that if Kirby and Jaimey had made themselves truly accountable to God-given authorities, with the mindset that they were not being hindered, but rather they were being helped by the protection that accountability for one's actions brings, then this error could have been, and should have been, avoided. Contrast the story of Jaimey and Kirby with Duane and Mona. I met these two young Christians attending the same school during the exact same time. Duane and Mona fellowshipped with one another by treating each other properly as brother and sister in Christ. They decided to make their relationship accountable to authorities. In fact, they gladly shared this fact with others. They made every effort to live according to 2 Timothy 2:22. Do you remember The Rule of 2-T-222?
"2 flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22
@1 God wants His children to flee from youthful lusts and pursue four things with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. What are those four things according to 2T222?
1_____________________
2_____________________
3_____________________
4_____________________
Duane and Mona followed this as a principle in their relationship. They shunned lascivious activity by refusing to get physically involved with one another in any way. They pursued righteousness, faith, love, and peace with each other as they called on the Lord from a pure heart. Soon, they contemplated marriage as the next step in their Christian fellowship with one another. Through the whole process, they yielded to the wishes of authorities, including Mona's Christian parents who actually lived in another country. Their relationship was Christ centered. It was not me-centered; or the other person centered. Because they had been accountable, they avoided many of the pitfalls that come with the temptations toward sensuality. I remember a chance meeting I had with them when they came to my city on an outreach project. They both were beaming. They had no regrets as they anticipated married life as full time missionaries in Africa. Biblical accountability cannot be stressed enough. It is vital that all Christians die to pride and submit themselves to faithful men and women of the Lord.
/3/
This leads to the next principle; we must seek practical steps to becoming accountable. As a foundational point, parents are God's first line of accountability that He has ordained, especially Christian parents when it comes to moral and spiritual matters. If you are not sure how to make the start in submitting to someone, then you should become accountable to parents, particularly Christian parents because they are spiritually alive. Go to your parents or the parents of the person you have your marriage interest toward. If no parents are available, then go to the biblically defined pastors in your church. The more qualified people you are accountable to, the better. The next thing you need to do is be an open book as you explain that you want to keep your relationship godly. It doesn't matter if you have already made mistakes. God is the great life fixer. But you want to be accountable so that you don't nurture an ungodly fellowship relationship. Since most people are ignorant concerning what the sin of lasciviousness is, you will probably have to explain it to them--even certain pastors. Use the last sermon teaching in this series where I define it from the Greek. Tell them that you do not want to commit this sin, and that you want to follow The Rule of 2-T-222 in your relationship. Explain it to them. Teach it to them. Then make it your strong ambition to abide in proper fellowshipping principles with the committed obligation that each of you will report your activities to those you are accountable to. Now listen to me: The only way this is going to work is if you truly become accountable, and the only way this is going to work is if you truly submit your relationship to others. Anyone can say that they are accountable to people, but the essence of true accountability is to make all the details of your relationship known to everyone you are accountable to.
Now a situation that often occurs is that one person wants to become accountable, but the other person doesn't. If this is the case, then the one who wants accountability should tell the other person that there will no longer be a continuing relationship toward marriage as long as there is not real accountability. If the other person still disagrees, then go to someone you have personally made yourself accountable to, and seek guidance, and help, to flee from the relationship. Yes, fleeing from the relationship is the solution to that problem. You should get away from the uncooperative individual immediately. Going to your parents which you should already be accountable to if you live with them, or going to Elders, and asking for direct intervention, is an excellent thing to do if you feel helplessly trapped in your current situation. You say,
Wow. I have never heard any of this before! It sounds so harsh.
It does not matter if you have never heard any of this kind of thing before in the midst of an expansive church that is drowning in the lost world culture. Also, it is not harsh. Instead it is wisdom. It is also true love that is committed to God, to the other person, to yourself, and to the godliness of the relationship. You see, if the other person really has committed love (in other words, they truly love you) and if they are truly sensitive to the Holy Spirit, then sooner or later that person will be willing to be accountable to God given authorities for their actions. This is the kind of person you should marry. The question that really needs to be asked is not so much what do I need to do if the other person is not wanting to be accountable. The question we need to ask is;
Why would they not want to be accountable in a premarital relationship?
What is in them that rejects this clear wisdom principle that enables righteousness, faith, love and peace through the ministry of others?
People who reject accountability are harboring me-centered motives that are driving their rebellion. Listen to me carefully: this attitude will be brought over into the marriage bond too, which means, what?--that they think they will not need to be accountable for their actions in marriage either. Are you listening to me? I want to share something with you that really drives this principle home. It is an edifying example. Before I received my marriage to Laura, I became accountable to four basic authorities:
1) God
2) my Pastor
3) my wife's father
4) and finally there was my testimony to the General Public.
I was accountable to everyone because of my testimony. Let's think about these things: First, God is the highest authority of all, so I realized that being accountable to Him was the most important thing I could do. It is what we all need to do, so you start here. Secondly, I went to a pastor in my church and specifically made an agreement with him to be accountable for all my actions in my courtship relationship. God has ordained pastors to pastor which means to guide us in our spirituality. We can learn, and be encouraged, in the preaching from God's word. But Pastor's also oversee the spiritual needs of the flock in other ways. Accountability to a pastor is part of what God wants the people gift of pastor to be used for. Third, Laura made it clear to me that she would tell her father of any misconduct by me toward her in our relationship. This was a particularly strong motivator for me to watch myself. Parents are a primary authority that God has ordained in the spiritual leadership of the family. Laura still lived at home. She submitted herself to her parents authority. Her mother and father are Christians. Then there is the Last thing; I didn't want to destroy my testimony to others of how they could maintain purity in their fellowshipping relationships by becoming accountable to authorities. Listen--Your testimony stays with you forever. Whatever legacy we leave, we develop as we go along in our walk with the Lord. When we started out, we were not immediately accountable. Quickly we saw that our relationship needed to be accountable, and so because we made the decision to be accountable, we were able to go on to maintain our engagement in godliness. We were enabled to maintain running from youthful lusts while moving in the pursuit of righteousness, faith, love and peace, with each other, and those we were accountable to who call on the Lord from a pure heart. It helped us overcome at the time when romantic inclinations started to dominate our thinking processes.
Another thing that is important is to listen to those who you are accountable to. According to Proverbs 11:14, 15:22, there is wisdom, and victory, that comes from listening to many counselors. For example, if you were to come to me for accountability, I would advise you to never be alone with the other person. I would tell you to always do things where other people are with you in the general vicinity where they can see you, and have the atmosphere where they should be able to walk up to you at any time without you being guarded, fearful, ashamed, offended, or angry. I would also advise you to save your first kiss for you wedding day. There is no need whatsoever to get involved physically with the one you want to marry. These are things that I would counsel you to do because I know it is wise counsel. I know that it leads to edification, safety, and godliness. The point is to listen, and learn, in your accountability.
/4/
This leads to the next principle: It has to do with an important question:
Why are you romantically involved with someone in the first place?
It has to do with goals. Though you may think there is no need for a goal, there is an inherent goal that is guaranteed to come in the future anyway. Think about the question,
"Why are you romantically involved with someone?"
You would think it would be an easy question to answer, but it usually is not. During a conversation I was having with a girl I'll call Tina, I asked her why she was pursuing romance with a guy she had recently met. She said that she really didn't know why. Then I asked her if she planned on marrying him. She said she had not thought about it.
I said,
"What do you mean, you haven't thought about it?"
She was at a loss for something to say, so I told her the very important principle I am wanting us to embrace. It has to do with the goal of the relationship. I explained to her;
"There are only three places you can go in your romantic relationship. One, you will either end up being lascivious which may also include sexual intercourse. Two, you will break from your romance, (usually called "breaking up") or three, you will get married. Your passion immersed relationship will lead to one of these three, or a combination of them."
At the time, I knew she was in rebellion to her parent's wishes by having her romantic relationship with the guy in the first place. Even a number of pastors had advised her to end her romantic involvement, but she ignored them too. Our conversation continued. She said to me
"I can't really see myself being married to him."
To her, this did not seem like a problem. I knew that it was; once again I repeated the options,
"If you don't marry him, then you will end your romantic involvement (breakup), or end up in bed with him."
Assured in her own mind that she would never fornicate with him, she said,
"Oh, I'd never do that."
Yet, that is exactly what she did. She entered into lascivious activity with the guy, which in turn led to sexual intercourse, which in turn led to her impregnation. This is a really important point, so please pay attention: Other than a few odd exceptions like imprisonment, or death, there really are only three primary places to go in romantic involvement. A combination of them is also likely. Again, the three inevitable outcomes for a romantic relationship are:
1. Breakup romance.
2. Lasciviousness and fornication.
3. Marriage.
And of course, a fourth one would be a combination of these. When a brother and sister in Christ find themselves swimming in romantic soup with one another during godly fellowship, the principles are clear: They should seek to stay away from any lascivious expression whatsoever, so this leaves only two options for their romance; either break it, or pursue marriage. It is easy to me-center one's relationship when swimming in romance for the wrong reasons. Seeking romance for romance's sake is defrauding when marriage is not the goal. When marriage is the goal, then romance may serve a purpose in directing us toward the marriage altar. Otherwise, romance is a lesson in self serving futility, leading you to sin, frustration, or both. This does not necessarily mean that romance is the required motivator for marriage or that it is even needed prior to engagement. In fact, romance is a blinder. It can blind you to true discernment concerning the one that your interest is in. That's why I call it swimming in romantic soup. It is easy to drown. There are many happily married people who never experienced romance before they married. So, here is the principle: The goal of pursuing fellowship that follows romantic inclinations should always be marriage. In other words, courtship is the next stage of special fellowship. It is where the friendship of close attachment to that special person of the opposite sex becomes goal oriented. The bottom line is that if you are not planning to get married, then break off your romance, and further, do not pursue a favored friendship that fosters close emotional attachment.
/5/
This leads to the last principle: It has to do with the goal of marriage. More particularly, it has to do with marriage pursuit methods. When it comes to pursuing someone in marriage, I've noticed that there are about as many marriage pursuit methods as there are English translations of the Bible. As we analyze some of them, I want us to keep in mind that God uses all of them to bring together His people in holy matrimony.
{1}
First, I want us to think about what is anachronistically called "The Courtship Method:" American Christians have come up with varying definitions and methodologies for what each call "the" courtship method. The fact of the matter is that there is not one courtship method. This fact has led to varying courtship principles, and modes, being constructed. They range from Medieval to Puritan to a mixture of contemporary philosophies in their overall styles. This can be good, and yet, this can also be a problem. What I mean is that just as there are multitudes of definitions for dating, there are just as many for courtship. I'm talking about Christian courtship. So, when we speak of "The Courtship Method" we should really be asking;
"Which one?"
We should be talking about courtship methods, plural. We should be discussing all the elements involved in each person's view of what they think courtship is supposed to be. Part of the problem is that the word "courtship" is found nowhere in the Bible. The Webster Dictionary of 1859 gives this definition:
Courtship: 1. The act of soliciting favor. 2. The act of wooing in love; solicitation of a woman to marriage.
From this definition, we see that courtship involves wooing. Wooing is to seek affection with intent to marry, but there is the solicitation part too. This is the dictionary definition; and it also says that this wooing solicitation comes from the man. But even though there is a definition of courtship that tells us that such a wooing, solicitation, comes from the man, Biblically, we see that the same activity comes from women too. This is what happened when Ruth courted Boaz through her wooing efforts. This is why there are simpler terms for courtship. Courtship is when someone wants to marry another person and so they seek that person for marriage. Of course this is accomplished in numerous ways. For example, in courtship, various testings from either one may occur. Sometimes the ultimate end is called something like "conquering the heart," or "winning approval," "being accepted," etc. Or it may go the other way. Somehow one of the parties involved thinks that marriage should not take place. So, the courtship is ceased. The opinion, and the approval of the parental authorities of the household, usually the father, is also something that is sought out in various courtship methods. A Biblical basis for this comes from submission to the parents as the spiritual leaders of the household with the father being the head. It also comes from honoring one's father and mother which would even extend to such honor given to their decision even after leaving the household. In this case, then, a type of wooing of the parents becomes necessary before engagement is approved by them. What is going on in this kind of courtship, is that the man, or woman, is being scrutinized by others. Notice that there is accountability ability involved here. According to this way of looking at things, after the heart is supposedly conquered, and/or the parent shows approval, marriage is continued to be pursued through the engagement that is the pre-marriage covenant. In the engagement covenant both promise to be faithful to one another unto the actual marriage covenant where faithfulness continues, and consummation occurs. That is a general outlay of a kind of broad spectrum courtship methodology. Of course, like I said, it takes on many shapes and methods, but the main commonality in all of them is that the goal of marriage is pursued.
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Next there is the Friendship Metamorphosis: The way this occurs is when friends grow in their relationship. They eventually find that they desire one another as marriage partners. One of the two may instigate the thought of marriage. It could be called a solicitation, but the act of wooing is not really necessary because their special affection is already there--both hearts have been conquered beforehand, so to speak. Honoring parents may occur as a Biblical application in this method too.
{3}
Then there is the Striking of The Deal: This usually takes place with the man making a deal with the woman's father or guardian. This method resembles a business decision. Items may be traded for the bride; or as in the case of Jacob seeking the hand of Rachel in marriage--time and labor was required by Rachel's father.
{4}
Next is The Kinsman Redemption: This occurs as the next of kin marries a deceased relative's surviving widow. This can be legal or merely customary in nature. An example of this practice is found in Ruth 3:12 and 4:1–13.
{5}
There is also The Prearrangement: This one usually involves the parents or guardians of both the girl and the guy. They establish a covenant. It is a kind of promise in which they pledge their children to be married. This arrangement may, or may not, involve any personal wishes of the children. I think it is worthy of mention that according to statistical analysis, people with prearranged marriages are generally happier, and their marriages last longer than other forms of marriage that have resulted from the typical pursuit methods in our current American culture.
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Then there's The Mail Order, or the Internet Search kinds of methods. Mate Match-up organizations with their various meeting schemes fall under this category too. This one takes on many different forms: Each usually involves some sort of domestic, or foreign bride/groom correspondence. You might call it wooing, or just straight solicitation. Complex, computerized mate match-ups are sometimes utilized. Engagement and marriage follows some sort of correspondence where it may finally be determined that marriage is what each each wants. This correspondence can be likened to courtship.
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Then there is the infamous so-called Love At First Sighting: Generally, this one occurs when the guy and the girl first see each other, then with little or no contact, they think that they should marry. In this case, courtship may play some role. We find these kinds of relationship stories in the Old Testament too.
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Finally there is The Divine Revelation: This one occurs after some perceived revelation from God motivates the pursuit of marriage. Perceptions such as signs, dreams, words of knowledge, prophecies etc. reinforce confirmation of God's will by faith. These things that are perceived to be divine revelations compel actions toward marriage through that belief. The utilization of courtship may be involved here also. We also find this method in the Bible. When Abraham's servant set out to find a wife for Isaac, he received a sign from the Lord, which was manifested in a revelation at first sighting. Then the servant went to the parents to seek approval of giving the hand of their daughter in marriage to his master's son.
In listing these, I think we need to admit that all of these methods for pursuing marriage have been used in ungodly ways. But, on the other hand, all of these methods for pursuing marriage have been used in godly ways too. When we consider the principle that when a Christian marries a Christian then they have married God's perfect gift, we recognize that each marriage pursuit method involved is a tool in bringing both Christians together for God's glory.
Let's recap what we have covered: We are talking about What God Has Joined Together. More particularly the journey from single to spouse. We are wanting to work toward regaining godly premarital relationships in a world that teaches us that it is normal to do everything in the opposite way. We covered Christian fellowship as God's will for Christian relationships. We are utilizing the Rule of 2T222 as our working pattern for premarital relationships;
"2 flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22
Instead of being me-centered, and instead of centering on the other person, we want to Christ-center our premarital relationships. We need to remember that though we may have had failures in the arena of premarital relationships, it is not too late to for us to change our current course. Even if you think you have completely wrecked your life, God will fix the damage. You can go on and live in victory in this area of premarital relationships. You must. To help you along your journey on the right path, the Spirit is wanting you to equip yourself with His design for the body. Remember, it is the liberating principle of Accountability Ability. It is Biblical. It is not a hindrance. It is a help and blessing. What you need to do now is seek practical steps to becoming accountable. Start with parents, particularly Christian parents. Go to pastors. It is what they are there for. You may have to explain what lasciviousness is. You may have to explain 2 Timothy 2:22. Ask them to help you follow wisdom rules of prudence like not being alone or out of sight. Remember, the essence of true accountability is to make all the details of your relationship known to everyone you are accountable to. If the other person doesn't want accountability, then tell them that you are not going to see them anymore until they do. Go to your authorities and ask for help if you are emotionally weak. And then we really need to be asking,
"What is my goal in all of this?"
"Why are you romantically involved with someone in the first place?"
Once you step out of basic Christian fellowship, and into romantic soup, you have a problem that can drown you if there is no clear goal. Before you seek to pursue a close special friendship with someone of the opposite sex, you must have a goal for your relationship. If you do not, then you will have an inevitable end dictated for you through circumstance. You will either end up being lascivious which can also mean you will fornicate. You will break up your romance. Or, you will get married. The principle is that the goal of pursuing favored fellowship that follows romantic inclinations should always be marriage. Courtship is the next stage of special fellowship. It is where the friendship of close attachment (which includes romance) becomes goal oriented. Finally, remember that there are many marriage pursuit methods. Courtship comes in many packages. Seek to honor your mother and father as the spiritual leaders in your pursuit of marriage. And always remember that when you marry a Christian, your marriage is a marriage that has been made in heaven.
@1 God wants His children to flee from youthful lusts and pursue four things with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. What are those four things according to 2T222?
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